5. Fun and Games at Cahuenga


Antalya, Turkey – bumped into Leigh-Fermor. He’d walked here from Hampstead can you believe it. Says he’s working for someone called Soe (or Zoe??) now. Bless him, you think she’d give him a car or a bike at least. Gıdıklıyor, Mumya.
(4g8t2dgp Ostrava)

Charnock St Richard was not in the higher echelons of the country’s privately funded educational establishments. It had never appeared in the Tattler’s guide to the best public schools. If you didn’t need to ask how much the fees were, you would not be considering sending your child to this school, and Charnock would probably not be interested in your child.

The majority of pupils at Charnock were either on scholarships endowed by former pupils, or by businesses, organisations or institutions, professional and academic, with direct links to the school through former pupils and their families.

Charnock’s unique selling point was its ability to identify and nurture boys with particular gifts. It created an environment in which they were encouraged to flourish. It was the only school in the UK which employed a solicitor specialising in patents and business law, and an accountant to help manage and structure the enterprises set up by the boys. It was a hot bed of extracurricular activity and it was their enlightened attitude that enabled Dunstable to devote so much of his time to consulting with Frankley and the Greater Mercian Constabulary. 

Situated in the Home Counties, it drew pupils from all over the British Isles, the Commonwealth and beyond. It had a truly multinational, multicultural and multi-ethnic complexion.

Bagpuize – pronounced “bag pies” – and Matravers were DD’s primary co-conspirators at Charnock. They had been sat together on their first day. They hit it off immediately and since then appeared to be joined at the hip much of the time. They had developed their own games, language, coding and signalling systems. In spite of being physically challenged in their early years at the school, they had seen off the regular bullies, of which there were very few at Charnock, using only their wit and cunning. 
Consequently they tended to be treated with respect and left well alone.

Langton Matravers was the son of the principal editor of the Oxford English dictionary, Worth Matravers, a published authority on English usage and grammar, and part time crossword compiler for the Times newspaper. Langton’s peculiar skills lay in the field of analytics, electronics, encryption and computing.

Kingston Bagpuize was the second son of the sausage millionaire and round the world yachtsman Horatio Boudin Bagpuize. In a slight deviation from the family business, Kingston’s interest lay in extrusions. He had already patented a formula for a new type of plastic – made softer and more flexible by the addition of plasticizers – for use in construction. There was considerable resistance to this from those with a vested interest in timber production. He was currently busy working on the design of machinery which could fabricate profiles for architraves, window and door frames – using the new material on a commercial scale. But he had not entirely lost interest in the family business having developed a successful synthetic but edible and nutritious sausage skin. He had been a little disappointed at the take up of the range he had produced in day-glow colours.

The boys arrival at Cahuenga coincided with the appearance in the porch of three heavy brown glass bottles stopped with rough looking corks bound in place with string. Mimms thought the milkman had left them by mistake but Dunstable realised this was Slipper’s cider. These appeared to be an earlier brew judging by the dust, grime and bird droppings that had accumulated on one side of the bottles while they had been laid down. Mimms was instructed to clean the bottles gently and later that evening they were presented to the young men on a tray with three fluted glass tankards in the drawing room as they settled down after dinner to play games.

They were struck by a fresh zesty aroma on uncorking the first bottle. This surprised them since although Mimms had cleaned them, the boys still held in their minds the impression made by the sight of those grubby bottles they had first seen in the porch. But even this did not prepare them for the sparkling light in the golden liquid and the richness of the flavour. It was not too dry, not too cloying, there was no bitter after taste and as they sipped cautiously their eyes brightened and they felt their limbs strangely warming. Dunstable later likened the affects to those of an hallucinogenic brew made with roots in Vanuatu that his father had sent home one Christmas for Clackett. It intensified and distorted smells, taste, sound and sensation but in a rather pleasant and comforting fashion. Bagpuize insisted the next day that the game pieces had become animated by the juice. It certainly added a piquancy to the game playing that night.

They were playing Dynasty – or Die Nasty as DD and Bagpuize referred to it – a game devised by Matravers and based on the division of China under the Han in the 3rd century. It was a fairly conventional board game where each player represented one or other of the houses or clans vying for control of the dying empire. There were beautifully moulded figurines of warlords and warriors, horses and dragons, damsels and demons all of which Bagpuize had made for his friend and it was these he claimed had come to life under the influence of Slipper’s nectar. Play involved the forming of alliances to complete manoeuvres communicating with selected opponents by means of code systems the boys made up on the spot. 

Messages were visible to all and the skill came in devising a code with a key that only the intended recipient would understand, the necessary decryption key being signalled surreptitiously thus giving each player the opportunity to crack the code, decrypt the messages and intercept the play.

The following morning at breakfast, with remarkably clear heads, the friends all agreed that Slipper’s penance had taken the game to a whole new level and would be a requirement for all future sessions.

God bless St Patrick.

The boys spent the morning following a trail laid for them by Clackett across the estate and through the surrounding countryside. They covered nearly ten miles before lunchtime, ably and enthusiastically assisted by Charlie, Clackett’s liver and white springer spaniel who, of course, had been sworn to secrecy and had not given the boys any clues as the where the trail led. Their reward, a Mimms hamper packed with everything three hungry boys might wish for after a mornings tramping, lay waiting for them at the conclusion of the hunt.

But as they were nearing the end of their search they came across somethings, gross and ugly, that were barring their path.

Lee Delamere and Dean Knutsford.

The two young men, Delamere and Knutsford, were working on a narrow lane behind a small pickup with the Parks Brothers’ name and logo prominently displayed on the side. They were mending holes in the road. As the boys approached they looked up. 

DD’s blood chilled by several degrees and he felt slightly sick as their eyes met and he was instantly transported back to the playground and his first years at the local primary school. Delamere and Knutsford, the school bullies, were quite a bit older than Dunstable so thankfully he and his classmates had only suffered their regime for a couple of years in the infants before they had moved on. Yet he had occasionally encountered them outside school in later years.

Dunstable was not afraid of them and he had the distinction of being one of the few boys to have bested them in a straight fight using some tricks – and some equipment – Toddington had shared with him from his time in the army. As a naturally amiable boy it puzzled and saddened him that anyone should be so nasty to another for no good reason. Then as now he had generally sought ways of escaping or avoiding their attention. But as Charlie crouched and bared his teeth making a low growling noise he was beginning to think that might not be possible on this occasion.

Knutsford had the look of an overfed porker with a large round upturned nose and exposed snout-like nostrils. His yellow-pink flabby ears and chin gave him the look of a waxwork. Curiously Delamere’s complexion was similar. It crossed Dunstable’s mind that this could be the result of drinking too much cider but he dismissed that thought very quickly and decided a diet of deep fried food was the probable cause. Both were broad and muscular with baby beer bellies just beginning to bulge over their belts. Delamere also appeared to have lost the lobe of one ear – a knife fight, or maybe it had been bitten off, or it looked as though someone might have held a lighter to it and melted it like wax.

Knutsford: “Well if it isn’t Little Lord Fauntleroy...”

Delamere: “... and his trusty sidekicks Laurel and Hardy...”

Knutsford:  “... or is it Pixie and Dixie. I think you owe me some jelly babies your Lordship.” He grinned a sickly grin showing yellowing teeth clogged with food as he made a flamboyant bow.

Delamere: “ ... would you like me to help you collect, my Liege. And the interest.”

By this time they were moving slowly but surely towards the three friends. They didn’t look like they would take much beating in a running race and DD didn’t like the odds if it came to a fight. These were seasoned labourers both packing loaded shovels. He whispered sideways to the boys. “Just follow me, and look lively...”

Just at that moment there was a sudden whizz and crack and Delamere doubled up clutching his cheek. As Knutsford turned towards him to see what had happened another whizz-crack and he too turned sharply away yelping in pain his hand to his ear.

“Run!”

DD, Bagpuize and Matravers veered off into the woods to their right as two more volleys flew out of a tree ahead of them in the direction of the dynamic duo. Charlie blazed the trail ahead as Dunstable looked back over his shoulder to see Delamere and Knutsford nursing their wounds cowering behind the pick up as what he guessed might be small stones were pinging off the coachwork. Behind the tree from which the sniper was shooting Dunstable saw an old bicycle, a boys bicycle, 24” wheel, stripped down frame, no mudguards and fresh welding on the joints of the frame. He had seen that bike somewhere before.  





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